The Inner World of the Adopted Child, Page 4
Part 4: Anger
Perhaps one of the major oversights adoptive parents make - one that agencies fail to adequately prepare parents for - is the role anger plays in the life of the adopted child. Many parents that I consult with mistakenly believe that a loving, stable home is enough for the adopted child; that a good home environment will make better all the losses or traumas from the past. To the adopted child, however, love isn't enough. They have lost a great deal and they typically get little validation for this from those around them. Instead, many get the message they should stop wallowing and be grateful.
Those of us who weren't adopted cannot fully grasp the meaning of being given away. As I work with adoptive parents on listening to their child, this issue becomes paramount. From the adult perspective, the adopted child was taken out of an unsafe environment and this should be seen as good. From the child's point of view, however, something very valuable was taken away: their home, their identity, their family.
Children are quite adept at communicating their feelings. Strange as it is, adults consistently miss the messages. For the adopted child, anger is his way of communicating feelings of loss, grief, fear, and terror. Unfortunately, these messages get misinterpreted and the child subsequently gets labeled as defiant. I would say that the majority of school age adopted children I see have been diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and prescribed medication. This reflects a poor understanding of adoptive child behavior. These children often don't have ADHD. They're angry and fearful. It is difficult to pay attention, sit still, and get along with others when your world is one of unrecognized loss.
Conclusion
I am certainly not suggesting that adults stop adopting children. Nor am I insinuating that every adopted child will have behavioral or emotional disturbance. What I am pointing out, however, is that the needs and concerns of adopted children are unique. When we truly listen to the adopted child, we can better understand how he or she is attempting to make sense out of a life where they are asked to relinquish one identity and assume another. Further, by being sensitive to the inner reality of the adopted child, we let them know we understand how confusing it can be to live in a world of ghosts, surrogate parents, and loss.
About the Author© Christopher J. Alexander, Ph.D.
First published: The New Mexico Desert Exposure
Reprinted by permission
All rights reserved
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Comments
This article is a great tool for prospective and present adoptive parents. It will help parents to understand why raising an adoptive child is different than raising a birth child. Adopted children sometimes have feelings that they cannot understand or even comprehend enough to talk about. If they experienced or saw abuse early in their life, they may not even realize that the feelings that they are feeling stem from it. Children carry around a lot of baggage in their subconscious and this article only serves to remind us of this fact. Keeping in mind that each child is different is key in dealing with any child, especially adopted children.
Posted by: culinary at 12/05/2005 06:54 PM
What a great testament to the support of friends (and the perserverance of parents!)! I can't even imagine what it would feel like to give a child up, and the fear it would instill in a first mother just not knowing how the child was being cared for, what he/she was experiencing, what was happening every day. Even if not the truth, I would imagine the "worst case scenario" would often take over and cause thoughts to occasionally spin out of control.
I think it's very important to remember that every parent makes mistakes -- adoptive or not. Certainly, even had a mother not made the decision to give her child to a loving family, she would've made different choices and probably come up with a list of different challenges. Parenting is a tough business, but with love, support, perseverance and communication, every type parent has the opportunity to raise healthy, good children even through all the challenges.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/13/2005 09:50 AM
I also want to voice support for being honest about how challenging parenting is. I can hear the fear in the birthmother's reply, but I think it really is mostly fear talking.
Some time back, I thought my daughter might be beyond my ability to help her deal with her anger, and it was wearing on the whole family. Oddly enough, the solution was pretty simple -- her allergy medicine was not working, so she wasn't able to breathe through her nose, and so she was severely sleep deprived, even though she was in her bed 8 hours a day.
All that time, I had thought she had some horrible anger problem with deep psychological roots, but when I was too exhausted to try to hold it all together anymore, I took that one more step to email a circle of friends and ask for help, and that resulted in finding the solution, which was not psychologically complicated at all!
And if my reaching out for help had been met with shame, instead of thoughtful questions, I wouldn't be living with such a nice kid today.
Posted by: alchemy at 10/12/2005 10:59 AM
I'm sorry mama0418, but nowhere in Solomino's post did I see anything about "giving up" on her son. She simply said she was afraid it was "too late" for him. I think it was very brave of her to post genuine concerns about her ability as a parent. What parent, "birth" or "adoptive" or otherwise (!) hasn't at some point questioned his/her abilities as a parent? It's brave to ask for help and to truly embrace and admit the truth of a difficult situation.
This statement also REALLY disturbs me (way more than anything Solomino said), and I feel it has no place in this environment, which is supposed to support all aspects of the adoption world and process:
"You would not understand, no offense, you do not have the bond they way the natural parent does."
This shows little respect for and minimizes the awesome responsibility that adoptive parents take on when they decide to adopt, DO adopt and take on the amazing task of loving, nurturing and supporting a child. And what makes adoptive parents so special is that they, with every bone in their body, seek out and crave the opportunity to become parents; it is a conscious, well thought-out, planned and loving thing that is a choice from the very beginning. In no way does this diminish the importance of biological parents and the part they play in bringing children into the world, but it is not always a conscious choice for them to become parents, nor is it always possible for them to care for the children they produce. It is the adoptive parents that take on the responsibility and give these children the chance to thrive and be loved in the way they deserve. And I think, while the bond between biological parent and child is certainly much different than that between adoptive parent and child, it is certainly in no way greater or less. There are so many deep and wonderful components that come with adopting a child, nurturing a child and loving a child, particularly one that is not "biologically" connected; and regardless of whether a biological parent rethought the decision afterwards, when a child is adopted, that adoptive parent is there for every breath and moment of the child's life -- this bond cannot be denied, much as the bond between biological parent and child must not be denied. But, not all biological parents rethink their decision, and many are grateful for the rest of their lives knowing that someone else gave their beloved child the happy life that they knew they were, at the time, incapable of providing. Adoptive parents deserve the utmost respect, even when they reach out for help, just as biological parents deserve respect for making the difficult choice of gifting their children to parents that can give them the best life possible; asking for help and worrying about their children is not a sign of adoptive parents' shortcomings as parents, simply part of the challenging process of parenting in general and a sign of why they were chosen as parents in the first place
Solomino, I trust things will work out. You have done your best to love and to nurture your son, and you clearly have his best interests at heart. It seems that now you have identified and acknowledge some of the special challenges he is facing, you can now realize what you perceive to be your past "oversights" and move forward to get him on the right track. It's never too late ... for anyone! Your best bet, if you feel your resistance is down, is to accept the support and love of those around you and let them help you in every way possible. Even if you can find little things to remove some of the stress that is preventing you from focusing on your son and your family fully, I trust you will find your strength building and regain some focus.
Posted by: backslash at 10/10/2005 07:59 PM
I am so confused and scared by your statement. There are many couples and adoptive parents who all they ever wanted was a child to care for, there own. There are many birth mothers who wished they just would have spoke up and gotten there child back. I am a birthmother, who changed her mind. It is people like you who make me know why I did. How dare you give up on him. You never no matter how old your child is, what they have done, give up on them. You give up they give up. You would not understand, no offense, you do not have the bond they way the natural parent does. God bless you and your family.
Posted by: mama0418 at 10/08/2005 08:33 PM
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